Storms 

It’s a black and white kinda day,

just like this storm that we can’t escape from.

The wind blows, 

the clouds rumble,

the rain washes everything away.

Even on these stormy days I think

this world is so beautiful,

why do we abuse it?

Leave it be,

let it heal.

How some of us feel inside,

pain,

anger,

a rush of emotions.

Let us heal,

just like this beautiful world

around us.

I’m My Own Person 

I hate not feeling good enough.

I hate feeling like I need to ask permission.

I hate feeling like everything is my fault.

Nothing bad can even happen and

I will still feel those things.

I don’t need to, I’m my own person.

I don’t take orders,

Nobody’s in charge of me.

I’m my own person,

I need to believe that,

I need to think it all the time.

I’m my own person and

Nobody controls me. 

Thoughts 

I honestly hate the way I am right now. Some days I feel perfectly happy and I’ll love everything about myself. My personality, my hair, my body, my stretch marks, everything. The next day I can go straight to hating myself or feeling like I’m not good enough or hating how I look or I’ll be standing in the mirror and want to cry. I honestly can’t pinpoint what it is. I’m usually super nice to people and I want people to be happy; even the people I don’t necessarily like. Other days I’m perfectly fine not being perfectly nice to those people, now why is that? I guess I’m trying to go back to being the person I once was, loving everything about myself. Sometimes, however, that’s hard. An example is that last night I built a cake at my job, today it has to be decorated. In their Snapchat story my coworker posted a picture of the cake I built with the caption “I hate my job.” I know it could just be a prop for the photo. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean the cake was built badly, but it still makes me feel really terrible like I messed up or it’s all my fault. It’s not I just feel a little bad for possibly messing up, it makes me feel extremely bad. It makes me feel like I’m a failure at everything I do and should leave everyone alone because all I do is hurt people and mess up. Even if someone says something to me and they’re not upset about it or anything I’ll apologize and start feeling terrible and they’ll say “oh it’s fine it’s fine it’s no big deal” in order to try and calm me. I think I’m this way because of my past. I think I’m this way because I’m extremely damaged and I’m just trying to get through it. That’s why some days feel great and others feel terrible. I’m trying but I’m not quite there yet. The thing is, I can’t ever imagine myself being 100% okay. How does someone get over something like this? It’s amazing to me that people have.

Memories 

It’s interesting.

You think of the past,

of people now gone,

of memories forgotten,

now remembered.

You think of the people

in those memories and realize.

They’re not the ones you miss, 

you just miss the feeling or the 

specific action.

Maybe that’s when

you’ve moved on.

I Don’t Understand 

Never understood how

someone like you could

be with someone like me.

I have a kid,

I know.

I suffer from depression,

I know.

I’m only 18, 

I know.

I’m sorry. 

Now I hurt you.

Sorry. 

I know it’s complicated,

I know others may not 

understand.

But I can explain it,

we’ll get through it.

Me having a kid is

for me to share after all.

I’m sorry. 

I guess it doesn’t matter so much 

to me.

It’s not a secret,

I’m not trying to hide it.

I just thought it was ok. 

Sorry for hurting you,

once again,

I never meant to.

You 

Let shit go.

Forget.

It doesn’t matter,

it’s not important.

You’re everywhere and 

I hate that. 

You’re always being talked about and 

I hate that.

You’re in my kid and

I hate that.

I can’t escape and 

it’s breaking me.

I have to forget,

I have to let go.

I thought I had, but 

tears are in my eyes and

I don’t know why.

I need to focus on myself,

at least I try,

but you’re everywhere so 

how can I?

Why Am I Afraid to Lose?

PTSD is a funny thing,

if that’s even what I have.

Afraid to lose

because of my past?

Because of my now?

Because of what?

Even if someone is mean, 

using me,

or even abusing me

can’t

leave.

Why?

Even if

I don’t care so much…

losing them is still hard.

I’m not ready for loss,

I’m not ready for love again.

Maybe I’ll just stay alone,

instead.

I warned you..

said I’d be too much for you. 

And when I lose someone,

it breaks my heart in two.