I honestly hate the way I am right now. Some days I feel perfectly happy and I’ll love everything about myself. My personality, my hair, my body, my stretch marks, everything. The next day I can go straight to hating myself or feeling like I’m not good enough or hating how I look or I’ll be standing in the mirror and want to cry. I honestly can’t pinpoint what it is. I’m usually super nice to people and I want people to be happy; even the people I don’t necessarily like. Other days I’m perfectly fine not being perfectly nice to those people, now why is that? I guess I’m trying to go back to being the person I once was, loving everything about myself. Sometimes, however, that’s hard. An example is that last night I built a cake at my job, today it has to be decorated. In their Snapchat story my coworker posted a picture of the cake I built with the caption “I hate my job.” I know it could just be a prop for the photo. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean the cake was built badly, but it still makes me feel really terrible like I messed up or it’s all my fault. It’s not I just feel a little bad for possibly messing up, it makes me feel extremely bad. It makes me feel like I’m a failure at everything I do and should leave everyone alone because all I do is hurt people and mess up. Even if someone says something to me and they’re not upset about it or anything I’ll apologize and start feeling terrible and they’ll say “oh it’s fine it’s fine it’s no big deal” in order to try and calm me. I think I’m this way because of my past. I think I’m this way because I’m extremely damaged and I’m just trying to get through it. That’s why some days feel great and others feel terrible. I’m trying but I’m not quite there yet. The thing is, I can’t ever imagine myself being 100% okay. How does someone get over something like this? It’s amazing to me that people have.
I ask him to tell me if something is bothering him,
If something is wrong.
He says, “no, it’s ok,”
So I keep asking,
He says the same or something similar every time.
“No Ally, it’s ok I swear.”
I keep asking,
I’d rather he tell me now
Than when he gets angry and it spits out another way…
I keep asking,
He starts to laugh and smiles at me.
“Ally, do I seem off today or something?”
“No I just want to make sure you’re ok.”
“Okay, I’m good I swear and if you keep asking I’m gonna get upset.”
He kisses me then.
It’s getting late,
I leave his house
And text him when I’m home safe.
The conversation is good…
Him being ok about everything?
Too good to be true…
What happens next shouldn’t have happened.
I told him that I asked him to tell me what was wrong earlier and he wouldn’t.
He said that everything was ok earlier but now he sees it.
He called me names.
He swore at me.
He said he never wants to see me again.
He said I’m going to fuck him over like every other girl.
Yet we’ve been together for over 2 years…if I were gonna fuck him over it would’ve happened.
If I wanted to leave I would’ve.
Even when he’s like this I want to say.
I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you want to say those things to me.
I feel like I’m a horrible person,
Like I hurt everyone I see…
I just would like to know what I did?
That way I can prevent it in the future…
The problem with keeping a blog is the times where you get writer’s block. It feels like the things I’ve already said I want to say again, but I can’t. I wish this didn’t happen and that I could be better at writing. I never thought it was possible to get writer’s block for this long with all of the thoughts going through my head. Any suggestions for how to get past the writer’s block? Because I do enjoy blogging and I need to post more often than I do and that’s what I’d really like. I’d love to post once a day, at the very minimum once a week. So any ideas? I’m open to anything.
Source: DANCE WITH ME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
I am a dying leaf
clinging to the mother tree
in a high autumn wind
I am unique crystal
frozen in the heavens
wafting into the drift
I am the grass blade
attempting to reach above
all others to see beyond
I am the passing cloud
shape-shifting by moment
desiring to be seen
I am the mountain
the rising peak watching
over surrounding landscape
I am the wofting breeze
caressing all about me
to bring peace and comfort