Thoughts 

I honestly hate the way I am right now. Some days I feel perfectly happy and I’ll love everything about myself. My personality, my hair, my body, my stretch marks, everything. The next day I can go straight to hating myself or feeling like I’m not good enough or hating how I look or I’ll be standing in the mirror and want to cry. I honestly can’t pinpoint what it is. I’m usually super nice to people and I want people to be happy; even the people I don’t necessarily like. Other days I’m perfectly fine not being perfectly nice to those people, now why is that? I guess I’m trying to go back to being the person I once was, loving everything about myself. Sometimes, however, that’s hard. An example is that last night I built a cake at my job, today it has to be decorated. In their Snapchat story my coworker posted a picture of the cake I built with the caption “I hate my job.” I know it could just be a prop for the photo. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean the cake was built badly, but it still makes me feel really terrible like I messed up or it’s all my fault. It’s not I just feel a little bad for possibly messing up, it makes me feel extremely bad. It makes me feel like I’m a failure at everything I do and should leave everyone alone because all I do is hurt people and mess up. Even if someone says something to me and they’re not upset about it or anything I’ll apologize and start feeling terrible and they’ll say “oh it’s fine it’s fine it’s no big deal” in order to try and calm me. I think I’m this way because of my past. I think I’m this way because I’m extremely damaged and I’m just trying to get through it. That’s why some days feel great and others feel terrible. I’m trying but I’m not quite there yet. The thing is, I can’t ever imagine myself being 100% okay. How does someone get over something like this? It’s amazing to me that people have.

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