My Journal

I keep posting so much, this is my journal and writing is my escape.

I was once put together, bubbly and happy. People say my smile lit up any room I walked into. The thing is, it probably still does, I just don’t smile as often.

My point is, it feels like I’ve been heart broken, and I need to find happiness again. I don’t know how or where to look. I mean I know I’m supposed to look to myself, but where in myself? I’ve been through more than I should be going through at my age and frankly, I don’t love myself. I don’t think I’m pretty, people keep telling me I’m a good person, but how is that so when the only person I want to hear from is silent. What did I do to make him turn the other way? I’m not that horrible am I? Why haven’t I heard anything? Is this the end?

No relationship is perfect, but we’ve been through so much. We’re both having a hard time, both trying to find our footing. So why can’t we just support each other in that? Isn’t it just that simple? Don’t I deserve to know why?

I don’t know what to do, I’m lost. I need to tell myself that I’m strong and amazing and all of that good stuff. My counselor tells me that stuff, and counselors don’t lie. Why can’t I just learn to always believe it? I mean sometimes I do, sometimes I look in a mirror and think I’m beautiful, sometimes when I keep from crying I feel strong. I don’t know, I wish I was who I used to be. Then again, my experiences made me who I am now…but I don’t even know who I am now. I don’t feel myself growing, learning from these new experiences so who says this is good for me? I wish I was who I used to be. Maybe this is getting too personal, but this is my journal so I’ll speak my mind. 

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