My Journal

I keep posting so much, this is my journal and writing is my escape.

I was once put together, bubbly and happy. People say my smile lit up any room I walked into. The thing is, it probably still does, I just don’t smile as often.

My point is, it feels like I’ve been heart broken, and I need to find happiness again. I don’t know how or where to look. I mean I know I’m supposed to look to myself, but where in myself? I’ve been through more than I should be going through at my age and frankly, I don’t love myself. I don’t think I’m pretty, people keep telling me I’m a good person, but how is that so when the only person I want to hear from is silent. What did I do to make him turn the other way? I’m not that horrible am I? Why haven’t I heard anything? Is this the end?

No relationship is perfect, but we’ve been through so much. We’re both having a hard time, both trying to find our footing. So why can’t we just support each other in that? Isn’t it just that simple? Don’t I deserve to know why?

I don’t know what to do, I’m lost. I need to tell myself that I’m strong and amazing and all of that good stuff. My counselor tells me that stuff, and counselors don’t lie. Why can’t I just learn to always believe it? I mean sometimes I do, sometimes I look in a mirror and think I’m beautiful, sometimes when I keep from crying I feel strong. I don’t know, I wish I was who I used to be. Then again, my experiences made me who I am now…but I don’t even know who I am now. I don’t feel myself growing, learning from these new experiences so who says this is good for me? I wish I was who I used to be. Maybe this is getting too personal, but this is my journal so I’ll speak my mind. 

Leave or Stay?

Stuck,

Trapped.

 

Trapped,

Stuck.

 

It’s all the same,

They mean the same.

 

So

What

Am

I

To

Do?

 

Leave,

Stay.

 

Stay,

Leave.

 

I love him.

(But is he good for me?)

 

I love him.

(And we’ve been through so much.)

 

I love him.

(But will we ever be happy again? Together?)

 

I love him.

(But are we poison to each other?)

 

He’s everything.

 

It feels like my life started

When

He

Showed up.


So

What

Am

I

To

Do?

 

Leave,

Stay.

 

Stay,

Leave.

 

I even wonder

If

He

Still

Thinks

About

Me

Too?

Fucked

I should’ve known better,

Should’ve stayed away

When the first red flag came.

Should’ve listened to everyone else,

Before things got even worse.

Now it feels like it’s the worst

It could ever be.


We’re fucked,

Should’ve ended it before we got in too deep.

Should’ve ended it before the feelings become

So strong.

 

Oh well,

This is life,

Right?

No Boy Should Drag You Down

No boy should drag you down.

No boy should even have the ability to.

No boy should have all the power,

In the relationship.

 

You are strong,

You are beautiful,

You know what you deserve,

You know what you want,

So go after it.

 

Don’t let anyone insult you,

Manipulate you,

Make you feel bad about yourself.

 

They shold be happy that you’re doing well,

If they love you.

They should be happy you’re successful,

If they love you.

Even if they’re not well or successful,

They should be happy you are,

If they love you.

 

You know who you are,

You know how amazing you are.

Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

 

It may be hard,

But be aware that they’re dragging you down,

Know that you’re better than that.

Not My Own

“I knew he was hurting me, I knew he wasn’t treating me right. I knew I deserved better…but I stayed anyways. Sometimes you love someone, you love them so much, that you let them hurt you. I wanted him to touch me, even if it made me bleed. I wanted those seconds of happiness even if it meant a night of tear stained pillows. In my gut, I knew it wasn’t right, but I’d spend hours making excuses just to try to feel it was. I put myself second to put him first…and I thought….hey…maybe one day he’ll do the same for me.”

– Unknown